Dethroning my husband!
For starters, let me tell you that I am a super indecisive person. I would prefer to have someone tell me whether I should go to my friend’s place or not, whether I should take the auto or go by my scooter, whether I should be okay with such an arrangement or not… and so on. I earnestly prayed that I would have a husband who is decisive so we both don’t keep wondering what to do! Like how any perfect father would do, God brought me my knight in shining armour completely capable of taking decisions, coming up with make shift plans, by the time I wrap my head around what needs to be done.
In response to God’s goodness over my answered prayers, I simply started asking teeny tiny questions to my knight in shining armour. Some of the questions would sound like: Should I take permission today? Should I stay back at work? Should I tell my friend about this? What should I eat? Should I give it? Should I buy that? Should I invite them? What should I do????? And so many more!
Before my marriage to my husband, my questions were directed to God, all the teeny tiny ones and after, it went to my husband. In retrospect, I understand how bad it was, but then it felt easy! I did not have to rely on God, wait for the peace that He would give me and then go over my decisions, in fact I did not have to think at all. I go about my day, and when faced with a decision, I’d call my husband, he will mostly come up with a decision and I’ll follow through unless I’m not okay with the decision, in that case I’ll do the other valid thing and get him to be okay with my idea.
I honestly don’t know how my husband felt at all those questions being stormed at him. Maybe it was just a quick thought and he told me what he thought was the right thing to do. Thankfully, my husband also loves and serves God, so that’s great, but he is not God! Some of the questions which I should have discussed with God first, never even went to him because it went to my husband first and a decision was already made. In return I did not need God for all those small decisions I had to take.
Initially this did not seemingly have any consequences, but slowly I understood that I could have taken better decisions even in small things. In addition, my dependence on God reduced and my dependence on my husband increased. I would sometimes get angry at him for not telling me what to do. It came to a place where I wasn't able to make any purchase on my own without consulting him first. That was a bit too crippling!
Eventually, my husband advised me to not bring teeny tiny decisions to him, which wasted both our time. I also realised that I had switched priorities in many other areas of my life which is not the point now. More than the decisions themselves, it was more like I had lost a running conversation with God and replaced it with texting my husband.
If my husband was okay with something, I was okay too, his stand became my stand and his voice my voice.
God’s ideal for marriage was never that I would reflect my husband or he would reflect me but that both of us would reflect Christ!
It’s natural to want to please our spouses when we are in a healthy relationship, but we should never keep pleasing our spouse over pleasing Jesus! In pleasing Jesus, we will absolutely love our spouses better. I slowly am returning to when Jesus was my go to person, my emergency contact before my husband walked into my life.
Not that I will stop asking my husband or call him for a small decision, my husband will always be my go to person, but not before I go to God.
Here’s what I realised that I am guilty of : idolizing my husband! It took me over three years of my marriage to realise and repent of it. If you are someone who is in a healthy marriage or going to enter one, please keep in mind that it’s always Jesus before your husband, no matter how tiny or huge the issue is!
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